March Madness Miscarriage

....I can't believe it's been over a month already since my first blog!  The time has definitely escaped me and I am eager to get back on track with my updates!  I am still trying to figure out how to upload my vlogs/videos to the blogspot without complications and so far, I haven't progressed...so thank you for your patience as I am almost certain these videos will be informative, fun and make you laugh!

I also didn't expect to have a follower already! So thank you so much Cynthia for showing some interest in my journey and giving me an incentive to stay on top of my blog and keeping you up-to-date! :)

I titled this blog, March Madness, but I really didn't mean the basketball teams selection...it truly has been March Madness for me in general.  With turning 33 year last month, it truly has been a bittersweet moment.  The desire to want to beocme pregnant has been such an informal priority, that it has truly taken over and I didn't want to make it the focus in my family yet there isn't a day that goes by that I don't hope and pray for that HPT to produce 2 lines.

 March is especially a sensitive time for me as this exact time last year...my cycle was 45 days long and YES, I was pregnant last year!  After my traditional 32 day cycle came and went, I was taking HPTs every 3rd day and they kept turning up negative.  I was getting so frustrated but I did in fact have some early pregnancy signs--swollen breasts, headaches, lower backaches and fatigue and smells totally affected me.  My friend was having a birthday party for her son at Chuck E. Cheese's this time last year and I remember her telling us that she was pregnant...she wasn't actively trying, but was open to whatever happened and at 39, was pregnant with her third.  Honestly, I wasn't saddened at all by her news although, she is such a sweetheart and felt bad sharing her news as she knew I was desperately trying for a baby.  It gave me hope and I think that was when I told my husband that we should really give Clomid a shot when my next cycle would start and he agreed. 

 The following weekend, we went to a wedding and I felt amazing and I couldn't explain why.  I just loved the gown I wore to the wedding, my boobs were fabulous and really "coming out."  I still hadn't gotten my period yet HPTs were still negative.  I still watched what I drank and ate just because I wasn't sure.  Finally, that Monday after the wedding, I took a HPT and it was POSITIVE!  I was in shock and took 3 more and they all read positive, I was ecstatic!  I told my husband and daughter.  I went for a blood test on that Wednesday and on that Friday, it was confirmed, I was pregnant!  Based on my LMP, I was estimated to be about 6-7 weeks.  I was scheduled to have an ultrasound at 8 weeks.  This was truly amazing and I couldn't have been happier.

...That following Friday,  I woke up to what was...bright red blaring blood when I went to use the bathroom!  I couldn't help but assume I was losing the baby already.  My heart sank into the pit of my stomach as I called my husband and asked him to come home from work to take me to the ER.  We got there and they did all of their tests and took a biopsy of my cervix and took a blood test.  After a few hours it was in fact confirmed that, I had what was called an Incomplete Miscarriage.  The Hcg levels were dropping and had not doubled much from the week prior.  They had speculated it could've been an ectopic but weren't sure.  I opted out of the D & C procedure and decided to do Expectant Management instead and took it easy for the remainder of the weekend.

...I knew I had to distract my mind....and thankfully my daughter was scheduled to be w/her biological dad for the weekend, so I had complete freedom to grieve and cry if I wanted to without upsetting her or hiding it from her.  I decided to paint a cessna airplane w/a streaming marquee on her wall as she had requested that I add this to her bedroom mural for quite some time so it was very therapeutic for me to distract myself and it's very sentimental to me everytime I look at it. :)

Nothing could've prepared me for what would happen after my daughter came home from her father's that Sunday.  I answered the door, and in she walked in, kissing my belly, and telling "it" "Hello Baby!  Hope you're doing good in there!"...I tried to hold back the tears because I was going to have to tell her that I miscarried over the weekend and didn't know how she would take the news.  She put her things away and got settled and I asked her if I could speak to her in private.  This conversation probably was going to be the most difficult conversation I have ever had to have in my adult life thus far.  I took her to her room and we sat down.  I started to tell her that I had some bad news.  As I began to tell her that I lost the baby, I will never forget the look on her face...my tender young darling, was only 9 years old when I told her that the baby wasn't ready to come to be with us.  She didn't react right away....she just sat silently..with no response...then it happened...her eyes welled up with these deep tears and she just began to cry...she was asking, "Why?  How comes?  It's not fair!!!"  She told me I was a great mommy to her and deserved to have another baby and she was angry and sad all at the same time.  She compared that her biological father and step-mom were able to have more babies and why not me?

...But what she did next only proved her genuine kind heart...she went downstairs to the living room, and embraced my husband, her step-father...and said to him, "I'm so sorry we lost your baby!  We will try again."  And all at once we all wept.  She was so brave and courageous after such sad news and it was then that I was reminded of how very lucky I was to have such an amazing young girl as my daughter...She truly is the apple of my eye and the reason why I have been fortunate to become the mother that I am and the reason why I so want more children...to give her the gift of siblings and friendships that would last her whole lifetime...It would be such a blessing.

So here I sit...having a moment of deja vu...It is literally the anniversary ...give or take a week or two of the whole ordeal that took place last year...and as I reminisce...I know and believe...all good things come to those who wait...and God always has a plan...timing is everything ...and whatever is meant to be, will be.  I am not much of a religious person or an avid church goer...but I have always been very spiritual and connected with my instincts and intuition...and so I am faithful to living life and letting the cards fall where they may....so everyday, I continue to work on myself and try to remain optimistic and hopeful.

...So where do I stand now you might ask?  Well...I am waiting for my period...it is CD 35 (and I'm normally 32 day cycle)  HPTs are coming up negative and I am scheduled to meet with my RE to discuss IVF on Wednesday, March 9th.  If I don't get "Aunt Flow" tomorrow, I may call to ask for a blood test...just to make sure before I make any decisions to pursue IVF.  It would be fabulous if I am pregnant naturally and I know that I will most likely request progesterone injections to aid in sustaining my pregnancy if that is what it ends up to be...and if I'm not PG then IVF will be our next possibility...but I won't know til the end of this week...so bear with me...I will continue to update when I can...but for now...I wait...

I wish you all out there a happy Sunday and week!  I continue to pray for not only myself but to all those out there TTC and send you baby dust and love always!  Thank you for continuing to follow and hopefully there will be good news soon! :)

Let me introduce myself and tell you my story....

Here is my first video introducing myself to all of you!  I hope you can relate with my story and please don't hesitate to leave comments and/or email me with whatever advice you may have for me!  As well as any questions...I am an open book so feel free to ask away!  Thanks for watching!

Trying to conceive, the reality and disappointment...

...As many may already know...Gregg and I have been trying to get pregnant for quite some time now.  It will be 3 years this June of 2011 and has become an all consuming process that I can't seem to stop thinking about.  Talk about being a perfectionist--I am used to always getting what I want; especially if I worked hard for it and earned it fair and square and now...I can't believe that we haven't been able to sustain a pregnancy YET...When we were briefly pregnant this time last year...it was a refreshing surprise as literally that month we decided to "chill out" and whatdoyaknow...we got pregnant.  Sadly it ended shortly after...I was supposedly about 6-7 weeks along at that point.  I was deflated after that and didn't know what to think or what to do.

The hardest part of ttc is trying not to get so wrapped up in it, but it literally becomes a job.  I don't mean the routineness of it or the lack of spontaneity--just the mental stress of contemplating everything you do...what you eat, how you sleep, what vitamins you take, everything starts to be a bullet list of what to do and what not to do...it truly does become an obsession of sorts and it's not that you want it to, but when you don't get the desired outcome, you start to devise other ways to get to the goal.  I took for granted that I had age on my side...and even with some of the procedures I had prior to getting pregnant--all of my doctors never voiced any concern on my ability to.

I'm lucky that I already do have a darling daughter who is super cool.  And it's partly because of her that I want to have another baby.  She is an amazing daughter and was an easy baby which only compelled me to want more children.  I never thought my kids would be so far apart in age as my sister and I are nearly 12 years apart with no siblings between us...and as close as we've become, I know, when I was younger, I always had wished I had a sibling to grow up with.  Instead, I became my sister's babysitter and parenting figure.  I don't regret or resent that but I didn't want that for my own children.  My daughter will be 11 years old this summer and I'm in awe of who she is becoming and am so proud that she is my daughter.

So here I sit pouring out my heartache and sharing with you my steadfast desire to have another baby.  It's a dreary day out and I can't seem to get focused or think straight.  I will be turning 33 next Saturday and can NOT believe it already.  I always thought that by now, I would have 3 kids.  Life always throws you a curveball and if you want to stay in the game, you gotta be resourceful and make the right choices and not get benched.

I've definitely learned alot of lessons about myself throughout this process and will share with you in detail via video about my journey thus far.  I've surprisingly become more spiritual through this process because my instincts just tell me, maybe it's just not the right time for me or for my family to have another baby.  A higher power is controlling how this all goes and I just have to have faith and believe that it will come when it's time.  Either way it makes me sad all the same.  I'm envious of friends and family that do have babies, but never jealous.  If anything at all, it gives me hope.  My husband and I have done all we can do with tests and making sure that all the plumbing works the way it should and we remain hopeful.  Our last and final resort will be IVF (invitro fertilization) but we aren't quite ready to take that step yet...so needless to say, we've agreed to take a true break...although I will admit, I still mentally track my expected ovulation and have to resist the urge to track my bbt (basal body temperature).  I have to intentionally shut down and sincerely let go the ideals of trying to conceive...I've made alot of lifestyle changes and reformed some habits to holistically provide myself a happy and healthy aura to attract what I want into my life...the problem is I have way too much going on and know I have to downsize and say no if I'm truly serious about getting pregnant.

We as women, are constantly wearing so many hats that it's hard to just say no or slow down.  Through this journey, I've learned that family time is really important and that you never know what will happen the next day so you have to truly embrace each day as you live it.  It's so easy to forget and to get caught up with the mundane everyday routine.  I have to remind myself...to slow down and to take a breath....